"Borrowed" from DPReview
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The Vintage Speculator. Scours flea markets and thrift stores, convinced that “glass back in the day had more soul.” Rocks a leather shoulder bag, can identify different species of lens fungus by smell, and and has ordered a Geiger counter. Is proud of flipping a lens for a $20 profit.
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The Megapixel Maniac. Buys a 60-megapixel camera, then spends months hunting for lenses that can “resolve every last pixel.” Gets disillusioned, jumps ship to a new brand, and starts his lens collection from scratch. His neighbors know him as "that guy who photographs the brick wall."
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The Chart Geek. An evolved Megapixel Maniac. Lives on DxO Mark. Constantly drops lines like “bigger pixels, wider dynamic range,” rattles off MFT sharpness charts for obscure lenses, and casually discusses photon physics at parties. Dreams of medium format, but occasionally has a breakdown and buys a CCD or Foveon sensor camera—“because the colors, man, the colors.”
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The Forum Ninja. After work, he eats dumplings, logs into a camera forum, and goes full-on war mode. Might sprint outside at 1 a.m. to photograph a dumpster just to prove his in-body stabilization can handle 1/2 second handheld. Doesn’t sleep until he’s either crushed the competition or bored everyone into silence. First thing in the morning? Checks the forum.
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The King of Bokeh. Just as an Inuit is said to distinguish 40 shades of snow, the King of Bokeh discerns creamy, buttery, swirly, cat's-eye, clinical, vintage, nervous, moist bokeh, etc. Is fascinated by the number of aperture blades and dreams of owning «that Zeiss lens Stanley Kubrick used».
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The Orthodox Minimalist. Owns one camera and one lens (usually a 35mm or 50mm). Brags about shooting from the hip without looking. Never shows the results to anyone or deletes them immediately.
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The Lightfeet. Chases the lightest, tiniest cameras possible. “The best camera is the one you have with you,” he says. Started with point-and-shoots, got dust in his Ricoh, switched to mirrorless with a pancake lens. Carries a power bank because tiny batteries die fast.
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The Green-Auto Girl. Received an expensive camera as a gift. Shoots in JPEG with the kit lens. Because nobody has gifted her another lens yet.
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The Photo Hipster. Buys silver Leicas and Fujis. Orders handmade leather straps. Knows all the good coffee shops. Takes pictures of his camera with his iPhone.
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The Perpetual Researcher. Spends six months deep-diving into review sites and forums. Creates threads like "The Perfect $2K Travel Kit" and "Sony A7IV vs. Nikon Z6II - FIGHT!" and constantly asks for RAW files to pixel-peep. Sales associates at the camera store see him coming and suddenly need to take their lunch break. After all that, he concludes, "The tech just isn't there yet," and buys a smartphone instead.
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The Aspiring Dad. Bought a full-frame camera to take pictures of his kids. Took it to the park a couple of times. The child in the stroller is now in focus, but the dog is still blurry. Timidly offers his friends a "free photoshoot for practice" and blushes at the word "payment." Secretly watches courses on commercial photography and is saving up for a portrait lens, all while trying to convince his wife it's "an investment in the future."
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The Big Boy. He is certain that professional photography begins where the limits of the human spine end. His camera is a monster with a battery grip, a lens hood the size of a bucket, and a strap you could use to tow a car. His bag holds a "holy trinity" of f/2.8 zooms. He's mentally prepared to cover a conflict zone but is just as likely to be found taking 200 shots of a squirrel in his backyard.
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The Mad Scientist. His motto: "It's not the gear, it's the vision." Frankensteins lenses onto coffee cans, slathers filters with Vaseline, and stretches pantyhose over the lens for a "dreamy glow." Tells the pharmacist the supplies are "for an art project." His proudest work is a series shot through a glass of bourbon.
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The Prime Principlist. On a quest for the perfect set of prime lenses. His eternal curse: 28mm is too wide, 35mm is too tight, and 30mm would be perfect but doesn't exist. His favorite parlor game is "Which Two Lenses Would You Take to a Desert Island?" Believes zoom lenses are a moral failing and the tool of the uninspired.
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The Vacuum Cleaner. His closet holds 10 cameras, 30 lenses, a sack of flashes and filters. Buys everything thinking, “Might come in handy someday.” Occasionally sells a couple lenses to “streamline the collection,” then buys twice as much a week later. Delighted when he finds an old camera in a drawer he forgot existed. “Oh, I still have this? Perfect!”
